There's no way to really put into words all the emotions I'm experiencing this week leading up to our travel to China. Sixteen+ months of preparation to meet our daughter that is half-way around the world and the time is finally here! I feel excited, nervous, thankful, scared, and full of joy. But I think what I'm feeling more than anything as of right now is conflict...conflict in the sense of all that will be lost and all that will be gained.
This week I've found myself thinking, "This is the last time as a family of five we'll be doing ______." Or "This Friday will be my last 'Mommy Friday' with Andrew." Or "This is my last time at the gym for a while (since Jenna won't go to the gym nursery for quite some time)." I know these feelings are completely normal, since with every change there is bound to be losses experienced.
BUT there is also so much to be gained!!! This week I've also found myself thinking, "In a few weeks, we'll finally have Jenna at the dinner table with us." Or "In a few weeks, I'll have four precious children to haul around in my minivan." Or "In a few weeks, I'll get to watch Jenna playing in her new home with her big brothers and big sister."
However, all of these things I'm feeling are in relation to what "I" am experiencing. What is hardest for me to wrap my brain around is all the losses that Jenna will experience this coming week. Everything she has ever known will be stripped from her. I cannot even begin to imagine what will be going through her sweet heart and mind.
My hope is that Jenna will experience many gains in our family...love, joy, faith, laughter, hope, compassion, and most of all, the love of Jesus.
I read this quote today and it helps explain what I'm feeling right now as I anticipate meeting Jenna for this first time in a few days and as I anticipate walking with her through the many gains and losses she will experience in this life.