In the months that followed our
return from China, instead of hope I felt hopeless. While I took pleasure in watching how well
Jenna bonded with my wife Kelly and our three biological children, it’s
something I had to do from a distance. Jenna
would never allow me to get close…physically or emotionally. Whenever I would get close, she would
run. I tried everything, but nothing
worked. My overtures were met with
rejection. Her eyes told the story…they
always have. Even in the first pictures
we received from the orphanage they told a story of sadness and abandonment…even
at an age too young to know…she knew…something wasn’t right…it wasn’t the way
it was supposed to be. Those eyes
continued to tell the story back in America.
They were always moving, always perceiving. She picked up on any nuance or change in
routine…especially that of Kelly. She
could pick up on the slightest indication that Kelly might be leaving to run
errands or whatever the moment needed. I’ve
never been around a child with such a deep level of perception. I often wonder if this is seeded in her fear
of being abandoned again. Either way it
was clear that the thought of being left with me was equated to
abandonment. On one occasion, Kelly left
and Jenna would not stop freaking out! I
basically followed her around for what seemed like hours (probably more like 30
minutes) as she went inside and out screaming “mama, mama, mama”. At one point she was literally yelling into
the field behind our house like Kelly had just decided to take a walk in the
meadow.
Not only did those eyes have a keen
“eye” on Kelly…they had a keen eye on me!
Every time I walked into the room she would immediately look to see who
could save her. She would sometimes sit
on the counter while Kelly was fixing supper.
If I came in the kitchen she would scoot as close to Kelly possible in
the event I tried to get close. Every
move she made was like a dagger in my heart…a heart that had so much love for
her. All I wanted was to wrap my arms
around her and tell her how much her daddy loved her.
And then one day it happened...instead
of eyes of fear she had the eyes of realization. It’s a moment I will cherish the rest of my
life. It’s the moment I’ll cry about on
her wedding day. I was walking home from
the gym (just a few blocks from our house).
As I approached our house I see that Kelly and Jenna are playing in the
front yard. As Jenna turns to see who
mommy is greeting I brace my heart for yet another rejection. Instead…her eyes tell a different story. They were eyes that realized I wasn’t going
anywhere…that I was always there…that my overtures for her love would never
end. And with that realization she
ran…and for the first time it wasn’t away from me…it was too me. With total abandonment she lifted both arms
up in the air and jumped into my arms. I
was too shocked to cry but I cherished the full wrap-around kind of hug that I
was receiving. It only lasted a few
moments but they were moments I’ll never forget. So just as train T803 arrived in Hong Kong
carrying a new heart in me, Jenna arrived in my arms carrying a new heart of
her own. A heart that knew she had a
forever daddy.
As I embraced the significance of
that hug in the days that followed I once again start to see the picture…the
picture of God’s love. It’s an enduring
love that never ends or gives up on me.
Despite my eyes turning away from Him, despite me running from Him,
despite me rejecting His overtures of love for me, He never stops pursuing
me. He doesn’t care that I’ve rejected
him over and over again in my sin…He is constantly pursuing my heart. As I press into what God’s teaching me I
realize the real lesson is this…just like I would no more reject Jenna when she
finally ran to me would Jesus reject me when I finally run to Him! In fact, it’s like the prodigal son’s father
in Luke 15…He runs to me with open arms!
And with total abandonment I raise my arms to be held and accepted by my
Father…and He cherishes the embrace.
While Jenna still prefers “mommy,” our
relationship has grown and flourished.
Has it been perfect? No, but
neither is my relationship with my heavenly Father. Despite those imperfections she has grown to
know that my love for her will never end.
She recently said in her broken English, “Daddy, you my daddy fo-ever”…And
so I am Jenna, and so is He.
This whole experience has reminded of
the verse in I Corinthians 13 which talks about faith, hope, and love. My faith called me to the journey of
adoption, hope helped me endure its hardships, but ultimately it was love that
won the day.
I love you, Jenna Jean Preston!
Daddy
No comments:
Post a Comment